After having my little girl `normally` in July 2006, I had no reason to imagine the trauma that was to be our second pregnancy. Our son Evan was due 18th March 2008 but at 23weeks pregnant as had a little blood loss went to the hospital. No pain, no cramps, just didnt feel right.We waited to see the doctor on duty who when she examined me had me rushed straight to labour ward, as I was apparently 4-5 cms dilated. They injected me with the steroids for the babies lungs, but he wasn`t quite ready to come yet. Back to the ante natal ward. Eventually confined totally to bed over the next few days, as the membranes surrounding the baby were protruding. We had many conversations with various specialists about the possible course of action, the most probable being that he would not live past birth. Anyhow, he arrived in the early hours of the 25th November 2007 approx 24weeks 1lb 7ozs and was whisked straight away, to be resusitated. We first got to see him around 3-4 hours later. Having never seen a premature baby before, it all seemed a bit surreal and all the information and leaflets we were given didnt seem to really apply to us. All the stories I had read up to this point had been in `womens` magazines and all the prem babies in those stories lived! He took to my milk straight away but a week later, disaster, his lungs collapsed. We were asked if we wanted him baptised as they didnt think he would make it thru the night, but we didnt and he did make it. 3 chest drains and a very poorly baby later, We still thought he would be ok. Another traumatic 2 weeks later and then he got into serious trouble. Infection. Which led to renal failure and NEC. However, even on the day he died, the nurses said altho he was obviously very ill, they had scanned all his vitals and all was fine. He was very swollen due to the renal failure and they really needed him to wee. He had the tiniest wee when I left him on at 1pm but by 4pm he was gone. God, suddenly all those conversations we had with various consultants now hit me. Paletive care being the one right at the fore front of my mind. Oh for the chance to have held him when he was still with us, to let him know how much we cared and loved him. After care was awful. I got the impression that it was just `one of those things` and not to expect any answers. It is only during my current pregnancy (due Feb 14th 2009) that I found out for certain that the prem birth was due to an infection. I am being closely monitored during this pregnancy but it has not been easy and altho just past the dreaded 24 week barrier know that its not all ok, until this baby has arrived alive and well. Evan would have been 1 this month and not a day goes by that I dont think of him. I am lucky that I have my daughter as she gives me a reason to get out bed in the morning. I think there should be more structured after care for premature babies whether they live or die as I have never experienced anything more traumatic and I have so much admiration for parents of prem babies who live as I know how traumatic the experience is.

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