i was pregnant for the fourth time. i had had a baby at 40 weeks, and two at 36 weeks. all happy and healthy. i knew this pregnancy was different and through various complaints got to 32 weeks and spontaneously delivered a beautiful baby boy. i held him for a couple of minutes and then he was taken to the neonatal unit. he developed severe breathing difficulties and went on to have a right sided tension pneumothorax requiring two chest drains, ventilation, sedation, paralysis. it was hell. i looked at him and felt so guilty for wanting him in the first place as i felt it was my fault he was there. we had had our children very close together - as people loved to tell me - and a part of me felt that this was all my fault. i could only look on as the most amazing and caring and talented people i have had the pleasure to meet cared for my son and got him better. and better he did get. he is nearly one now and we have all the staff at the hospital to thank for that...and a very brave little boy who must always know how much we admire him for putting up such a strong fight!!!

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